More evidence in the growing case to have a little chat with our eldest child concerning the issues of how babies are made, and how they actually get out here with us. We. now. have. cable. And no, not any of the channels that one would think could bring up the facts of life, other than TLC. Yep, A Baby Story. A show I still love to watch, even if it has been 5 years since my last birth, and a million til my next (read: there will not be another).

So yesterday was Celebrate the Cable Day, with a free for all surfing the channels they’re allowed to watch, like Animal Planet, Nick, Toon Disney, TV Land (I love TV Land). In fact, here’s a shot of my allowing their nubile young minds to rot right in front of me.
DCP_1320
After several hours of SpongeBob, Tom and Jerry and House of Mouse, I had to intervene. Here, said I. Let’s check out TLC…A Baby Story is on! Yay. It started with an audience appropriate advertisement. Tampons. Pearl applicators. Double layers. Alright-y. Jake picks up on the spot. What is a tampon, Mom? Well (I’m playing cool), it’s kind of like a bandaid for women, for mommies. Where do you put it? Oops. Didn’t think about this angle. Um, if a mommy doesn’t have a baby, the lining of the uterus (OK, uterus, they know this word, and that is protects the baby) is not needed, so it sheds from the mommy’s body. From where? Where does it shed from? Catgirl cuts in. Your bottom stupid. OK, now one, we do not use the word stupid. Two, it does not come from your bottom. Pointing to the little dimple above your, um, bottom, at kind of where the cheeks meet, she says, doesn’t it come out right there? Well, no, hon. It comes from the birth canal. I’m thinking at some point they’ll just say Oh, and go back to rotting their brains. But noooo. They have to be thinking. Blue Boy pipes up. Something comes out of your bum? Poopie comes out of your bum! You don’t need a bandaid for poopie! And Speedreader says, no, something to do with the uterus. Not your bum. So, Mom, where’s the birth canal? OK, this is simple…just be short, truthful, and nonchalant. The birth canal is a special place only girls and women have that is between the place she tee-tees from, and her bottom. Where is that? He insists. Catgirl starts looking for hers. Put your undies back on, please. Finding yours right here right now is not appropriate. Thank you. Commercials end, and I distract with the upcoming show. But then, of course, this woman is about to go into labor, and we will all see her, knees up in the air, as she tries to get a baby out of her birth canal, so the subject if far from over. You’ve probably seen it…it’s not graphic. You just know what’s going on. That part comes. Speedreader is perplexed. OK. Boys don’t have them because they don’t have babies. If a mommy doesn’t have a baby, the tissue and blood that would support a baby just passes through. Uuughhh! Blood!? You bleed out your birth canal, where you go to the bathroom?!?
In a place behind that, hon. It’s how God made us. It’s normal, natural, and great. Otherwise, you couldn’t have ben born. So, what, you stick that thing up there? Well, yes. That’s disgusting! OK, show back on, woman is getting uncomfortable. Speedreader comments that all babies should just be cut out the top, it’d be a lot easier. Noooo, I say. Not at all. It’s not supposed to be like that. You mean this is what a woman is supposed to go through? Catgirl declares she’s never having a baby. I try again. When you want to have a baby, with your wife (son), or with your husband (daughter), it will be good, and right, and beautiful. You don’t have to worry about it now. Just trust me. Boy, I’m sure glad I’m not a girl, says Speedreader.

Show and woman progress, delivery is close, and she is pushing pretty hard. Yikes, Mom. I had no idea you had to do all that to have us. Yep. Better remember that next time you think about giving me any lip. And finally, the baby slides out. All covered in what any baby is covered in immediately upon birth. Aaargggh! That’s blood! Speedreader shouts. That’s awful! It looks like a frog alien! Where did it come out?!? A part of the vagina called the birth canal, hon, made just for this purpose. Well, how can it be that big, and Catgirl can’t see hers? It changes for the baby to come out, just for that time. It’s small otherwise. Well, I think it’s awful. She looks like she’s in pain. It does hurt, but it is sooooo worth it. Without that trial, you three wouldn’t be here, out in the world with us. It be really tough to carry around a 10 year old in uteruo. Yeah, I guess, he conceded. But how did I get in there in the first place? Heeey, look at that, I think that Crocodile dude is on Animal Planet…who wants to see?!