statements. Ever again. Come out of the mouths of my children.

1. Is that all? If it’s on your plate, and I’ve called you to a meal, what you see is what you get. And the answer to that question will be, nope (with a removal of your plate, and a reference to the remaining empty spot), that is all you get. I. am. not. your. personal. short. order. chef. And those assanine books suggesting I make plates of food that resemble ships in bottles, some demented clown face, or the leaning Tower of Piza? Screw it. By the time the kids of those parents are 12, they’ll (the parents) be carving sides of beef with a chain saw, to get a custom cut of steak in the shape of Poke’ Man. Or whatever the heck that character’s name is. Forget it.

2. But you said you’d (fill in the blank). Um, the last time I checked, I was generally with my lips when they start flapping. You think I’m going to suddenly forget, and then suddenly condone the promise of a purchase of a cell phone, so I can always know where you are. Because once, for .2 seconds, 8 months ago, I said to your Dad, and you overheard, that I can see why some parents would find that useful for some younger children. Little newsflash, Speedreader. I already always know where you are. You’re 10. And we homeschool. And your Razor has a busted wheel. Where are you going to go? I know what I said, and usually when I said it, and what I was wearing when I said it, and if I was having a good hair day or not the day I said it. When it comes to you and your siblings. Why I can’t find my keys, ever, I have not one clue.

3. But I didn’t doooo it! Oh hon, oh my darlin’. Oh sweet Blue. Lord knows I do love you. But when I hear the crash, and see the flash of light from the other room, and run to the area of presumed disaster, and the lamp is smashed to smithereenes, and the side table is knocked over, and the picture frame is busted, and you are the only one in the room, and the only one who just so happens to be sitting in the chair by the aforementioned lamp and table…my dear, you did doooooo it. You did, you did, you did. I. am. not. stupid.

4. But he/she grabbed (whatever). I just don’t know what to say here. Really I don’t. We’ve scolded you. We’ve spanked you. We’ve time outed you. Or whatever the past tense is there. We’ve taken away the Object of Grabbing. We’ve re-enacted scenarios where one of you has an item, and another asks nicely for this item, and we practice how that situation can be handled, and we all do this little skit together, and then demonstrate the wrong way to handle it, and we all go away with a fresh understanding. Smiling. Nodding. Oh yes, we understand. It’s so much better this way. Why, oh why, dear Mother and Father, have you not shared this precious information with us prior to this most seminal moment? Freed forever from the insidious whines that creep through our walls, but he graaaabbbed…around here, forever is about a 6 minute span. *sigh* I have no answer, but I’m warning you. I. am. sick. of. this. phrase.

5. I’m so worn out’a doing this! Blue Boy, let me tell you something. There is nothing. I repeat, nothing. That you could possibly be worn out’a doing. You. are. 5. All that is ever asked of you is to brush your teeth, fold a blanket every now on then on your bed, and help Catgirl if you sleep in her bed, with all those blasted decorative pillows. And oh, carry some of your clothes up the stairs, to your specially arranged room, just for you. These are words that really get me going, and it would be better for your health, if you learn right now, to stop saying them. You do not, and again, I repeat, do not. want me to start on the loooong-a** list of what I’m worn out’a doing. Not the least of which is raising you. Boy, you’re gonna be lucky to make it 20. By the grace of God…

6. But you get to (fill in the blank). I, my sweets, am the adult. And for the crap I have to put up with from yall, I’ve earned it. Staying up til midnight is a small, small perk for the totality of my job description. Let’s not even mention that if I can make it up that late, I’m usually folding your underwear! Enough.

7. In just a minute. Oh, ho, ho, hoooo. Oh, Mom and Dad. I’m so sorry I was probably getting married before I began to outgrow this. And listen up little peeps in my house. I. am. the. boss. of. you. And when I say, or request something, you have not, you have earned not, the privilege of putting me off for a minute. Not even for a second. For in that amount of time, you are capable of forgetting that you desperately have to pee, and may wet the floor. Mom, Dad, I never understood. Now, I do. In spades.

8. Mo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-m! Where are yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-u? Oh. my. G*d. This makes me insane. We have a nice house. A great house. It is large enough, certainly, but not too large. There is no east wing. There is no west wing. 2300 sq. feet. Not one of which hides any of the smallest decible of sound from any other part of the house. When you fart in the mudroom, I hear it from my bathroom, on the second floor. Do. not. call. for. me. from. any. part. of. the. house. Unless there is blood. Large, copious amounts of blood. A smallish gaping wound will not do. Something requiring 12 or more stitches, maybe. Other than that, come. find. me. Period. There are few things I hate more than screaming up heeeeeeeerrrreeeee when I am upon the john. Which, by the way, statistics show, is the number one time in which you go about yelling all over the house for me. You all? You ask for privacy. Me? You ask why I have to be in there so long. Stop. it.

9. I don’t really wanna… Oh. Really. You. don’t. really. want. to. That’s funny, really. Hysterical. I don’t really wanna do the laundry. Wipe your bums. Get up early. Clean the kitchen all day, every day. Dust. Rid the toilets and surrounding areas of your pee, and worse. Pick the dog (that you begged for) poop up off the floor. Vacuum. Think of something to make, 3 times a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Um, let me think. Wear the clothes I purchased 10 years ago. Live with these stretch-marks…and on, and on. But sometimes, love is doing what you don’t really wanna do, because you do really do love someone. You’ll learn that soon enough, I suppose.

10. That’s not fair! Waah, waah. It may not be. Niether is life. Get over it. The sooner you do, the better.