I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. It was a late, hot, summer afternoon in August. The children ran half naked in the backyard, squealing through the sprinkler. I was thinking, again, what I am going to make for dinner? And I thought, yeah, just look up some recipes. And somehow, as fate would have it, I stumbled onto your template. So young. Worldly. With the ability to take me to places I’d never dreamed I could go. I certainly wasn’t looking. I’m happily married. A mother to three. I saw no room in my life for another. Yet you were so alarmingly charming, and seductive. Others may have passed you by, but I saw the spark, and fell hard for you. So hard.
Look how we’ve matured! You’re no longer the plain vanilla blog you once were, teasing me with your confusing html. Laughing in my face when I couldn’t post a picture. I no longer wonder what on earth can I add to you. I stopped thinking the pretty buttons would make us better together. We just fit now, you and I. You’ve been my reason to get out of the bed each morning. You’ve shown me I’m not the only one who takes all her laundry to the cleaners instead of ironing it. You’ve made me comfortable in my ability to spend all my spare time with you, and still pull together a dinner in 7 minutes. You’ve introduced me to people around the world, and kept me current on all the news of Jessica and Nick, Britney and Kevin, Brangelina. Because of you, I’ve learned to make marble magnets, and use the USB cord on my digital camera. You’ve helped me become able to simultaneously determine which child really had the ball first, and type, with out missing a letter. You’ve listened when I gripe and gripe about not being able to commit to losing these damn last 10 pounds. You were there when my husband was working late. You’ve never judged me when it wasn’t 5:00 yet, and I came to you with a glass of wine.
But alas, I feel maybe we’ve gotten a bit too close. Maybe I’ve become too dependent on you. How can that be? you’ll say, I’m sure. I know. I know. It’s so painful to even consider. My head is spinning with confusion as I write this. Can I really walk away? Will you let me? Can’t you understand how unhealthy this relationship has become? As much as I love you, I must. get. out. For now, at least. Your comments…I run to you every time I hear your taunting, luring ding! Your praise of me…I’ve grown so accustomed to, that I need it more and more, I crave it. And it’s not just you, you know. All your friends…they seduce me, too. What are they saying? Are they more handsome than you? Do they offer me something you can’t? Have. they. linked. us. up. yet. I know, it’s so hurtful to admit. And your stat counter. Ooooh, the stat counter. I just go weak in the knees when you show it to me. My brain flies with quick calculations…is it possible that today’s hits were less than yesterday? Is there usually a slump on the weekends? Or, worse, could. it. just. be. us. And what if, just what if, we do something, anything, just one tiny thing, that someone would hate us for? It’s just too much to bear…
No. Don’t. Not a word. It will just make this worse. I have to have some space. I feel we crossed the boundaries of appropriateness. What will I do? What will I do. Well, I’ve given this some thought. I may take up walking some. Do more with the children. See that every one has clean underwear more often. Maybe get that nasty sticky spot off the kitchen floor. I know. It can’t compare to you, but these things I must do. And with you around, I just. can’t. do. it. We have a house to work on you know. The upstairs hall has had a paint can and brush in it for more than 4 months. And it’s still unpainted. The mold starting to creep up the caulking in my tub has started to make me sick. Don’t even ask about the shower curtain. How will I cope? I think I’ll open a Word file. No. Stop. Don’t be caddy. He won’t compare to you, but he’ll give me what I really need. The space to just write. And not worry about the fall out. I know. Word won’t give me what you can. The praise. The affirmation. The love. But I have this crazy idea that maybe my husband could do that. He’s offered, you know. Don’t laugh. It’s cruel. I need your support in this. And the children. Well, they’ve missed me. They need me. Jake really needs to work on his math, and Kat her reading, and Blue? Well Blue just needs help in everything, especially not chewing up the sleeves of his shirts.
I know it must feel I merely used you. That I’ve used you when I needed you, and now am leaving you, hanging. Alone. But this is just the way it must be. For now. I’ve really loved you, you know. You’ve meant the world to me. Really, you shouldn’t have, but you have. I’m so sorry it has to be this way. Maybe, just maybe, down the road we can get together again. I’d like that, I think. Please forgive me.
Until another day, my sweet, until another day…
allison
